At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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screw you
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I hate when that happens.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter