Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…