Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
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[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Don’t touch that.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”