Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!