Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.