ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
is this store having a stroke wtf
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.