ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.