Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Time heals everything 🙂
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave