ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.