Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.