me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
🙂🙃🥹
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards