ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
…u ok Nintendo?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom