People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal