Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
so much to do
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’m having an out of money experience.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.