Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please