ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
is this meant to deter me
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.