Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.