@chuuew: ME: Hi, I have a 3 o'clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
@thesulk: Next time you're on an elevator with a stranger say, "If the doors open and it's all zombies, let's team up."
@DanMentos: Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
@SardonicTart: Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
@qwertying: My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
@yenniwhite: Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.
After: get them to put on pants.