me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
You Might Also Like
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.