ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
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How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no