Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot