Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
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who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”