me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
a public service announcement
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…