me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
the clam before the storm
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this