ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
You Might Also Like
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
mechanics be like
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I honestly don鈥檛 have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you鈥檙e a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen鈥檚 show, who sees me walking onto ellen鈥檚 show*
both me鈥檚: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let鈥檚 see how this plays out
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn鈥檛 we go to that guy鈥檚 baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 馃檪-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don鈥檛 see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They鈥檙e waiting for me, aren鈥檛 they?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*3.5 thank you very much.