Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
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5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.