Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
me linking you to my twitter
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2