Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
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When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Miscakes
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.