Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.