Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
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[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer