Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My inexpensive home security system…
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.