Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
❤️🦆
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.