Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.