Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.