My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
A new level of troll.
HERE’S MARKY
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…