Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
You Might Also Like
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Comparing yourself to others
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
😬
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.