Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
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I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you