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@murrman5: me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
@girl_a_whirl: Y'all tweet like you don't know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
@animaldrumss: [overhears guy saying economy is bad]
[later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad
@boring_as_heck: Oh, I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?