me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”