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@murrman5: me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
@SusanandTrixie: My spirit animal is fried chicken
@WilliamAder: Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
@KeetPotato: wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings"
me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
@Book_Krazy: "And why do you want to work at the aquarium?"
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
@kelkulus: My iPhone corrects "WHOA" to "WHOSE", which just made my text response to "I JUST HAD A BABY!!!" a little awkward.