me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek