me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”