me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
You Might Also Like
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn