Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.