ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
You Might Also Like
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
any last words?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.