ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
birds and squirrels envy us
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.