ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs