[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Plant care tips
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The Backseat Boys
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.