[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
“OMGJK” -atheists
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Quadruple digit IQ
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment