[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Good news
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.