Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I’m sure it’s fine.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged