Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
You Might Also Like
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Some people were born into their job.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
are there any atheist mantises?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”