ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Just how popey was the pope today?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
5 ways to appear taller
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”